Just Say "No"

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend about life with my baby. This friend is someone who’s fairly opinionated and forthright, traits I attribute to a combination of her upbringing and her profession, which, suffice it to say, is a non-traditional one for a woman and significantly male-dominated. Nonetheless, I enjoy those things about her, because I tend to be that way myself, and it’s refreshing not to have to deal with the often delicate emotional sensitivities of another woman. As a result, we’ve had more than one conversation where I’ve found myself somewhat inadvertently on the defensive because this friend doesn’t hesitate to challenge the things I say or to put forth her perspective on the subject.

So I’m telling her about how much my little girl has grown, and how she’s now completely mobile (crawling), and how we’re beginning to try to teach her the word “no,” because she tries to get into everything. My friend offered up, as I’ve heard her say before, the fact that her mother, “…who was the primary caregiver, didn’t believe in saying ‘no.’ She believed that it was your responsibility as a parent to secure the room so that there wouldn’t be any reason to say no. She thought that children should only get positive reinforcement.” Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking, “well no big deal, she’s just throwing out an observation about what one woman did.” Uh, no. That is not how my friend works – she was, in her own lefthanded way, making a suggestion about what I should do with my daughter. And I, generally preferring to avoid conflict and particularly to avoid arguments that inevitably derive from two people talking about something deeply personal – politics, religion, how to raise your child, etc. – tried to deflect the comment by offhandedly joking that with the layout of our house and two dogs, I don’t have enough money to buy all the gates I would need to protect every last little thing. The next thing I know, I’m defending this statement that I can’t practically safeguard an entire room, as my friend ticks off all the reasons it’s not that expensive, isn’t that hard, etc.

What I should’ve said was, “I’m not sure I agree with your mother.” (Actually, what I should’ve said was “Horse$#!%!” but I do like this woman and didn’t want to completely offend her.) The reality is that I don’t agree, and although my heart was in the right place to not want to devolve this casual conversation into a debate about childrearing, this is one time I keep looking back on and thinking, “you know, I really should’ve just stood up for myself on this one.” While I agree that children should get as much positive reinforcement in their lives as possible, I also believe there are perfectly good reasons for saying “no” to a child, and for a child learning what that means and why it’s important to listen when Mommy says that word. What happens when you leave the house? You can’t possibly expect every other room (or backyard, or department store) in every other house, building, or neighborhood to be completely “secured” from all possible dangers. So what do you do when a child who doesn’t know the word “no” grabs something off the shelf of the store? Or starts to run toward the street? “No” isn’t always about negative reinforcement; sometimes it’s about safety and wellbeing.

I agree that children need to hear “yes” and “good job” as much as possible. I don’t see any reason why, after saying “no” and the child actually does what s/he’s supposed to, that you can’t then celebrate with a hearty “good girl!” or “thank you, Jimmy!”. I believe positive reinforcement is appropriate when your child is very proud of herself for coloring a picture, and that after telling her “it’s beautiful!” you need to curtail your compulsion to add that next time, it will look even better if she colors inside the lines. But refusing to tell your kid no? Without digressing into a rant about what’s wrong with America these days, let me just say that you’re asking for trouble – for you, for your kids, and for everyone those kids are ultimately going to come in contact with throughout their lives. So, on behalf of their teachers, their friends, their friends’ parents, the local police, and the community at large: please parents, just say “no.”