Words Fail Me

What, exactly, is the proper etiquette when one learns that a friend - a former co-worker, someone with whom one has spent time, albeit not recently - has been convicted of possessing child pornography? And not just convicted, but Federally, meaning that he not only had the stuff, he in some way crossed state lines with it -mail, e-mail, selling, buying... a sentence that carries a minimum 5-year prison term, although with a plea bargain, that could be (and most likely was) reduced. Still, jail time is almost certain (and well it should be), and more specifically, time in Federal prison, not just the county lockup.

I only learned of this, of course, because as a parent, I routinely check the state police sex offender registry to see what creeps may be living or working in my neighborhood, with ready access to my kids. I hadn't checked in awhile; I was actually proud of myself for not being so compulsive about it, but really, I'd largely just forgotten because we've been busy. So as I was trolling through the final page of listings, I noticed an address not too far from my home, and then looked at the name and picture. And then did a doubletake, because I recognized the name. And then did a triple-take, because I realized I recognized the name because this is someone I know. I mean, know. We used to run in the same crowd. We spent time together (platonically). I worked for him for awhile when I was between jobs. I spent one drunken night sleeping it off in his condo (he was not there, but was kind enough to give me his key since his place was closest to the bar). I helped him train his dog. I mean, I knew this guy. I trusted him, at least enough to not be that kind of guy.

Granted, we'd fallen out of touch. It'd been a few years...heck, almost a decade really, since I'd seen or heard from him. But he'd shown up on Facebook a year or so ago not long after I joined, and I was happy to see him there. We exchanged maybe an initial message or posting, friended each other, but that was it. No further contact, but since he wasn't a close friend, I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I found his sex offender page that I went to find him on Facebook and discovered he was no longer there. My guess is that he disappeared about the time Facebook announced a policy (or crackdown...I don't recall which) about sex offenders not being permitted on a site that has underage users, and I never noticed since "unfriending" is a pretty discreet, quiet process.

Still, here I was, "friends" (at least to my knowledge) with a sex offender, a child porn-viewer at that. Had there not been a policy requiring him to leave Facebook, had I not checked the registry, or heck, had he not taken a job in my area that made him show up in my zip code search, my husband (who also knew him) and I would no doubt have invited him to our summer party along with other friends from that era - putting him in direct contact with our kids. I am grateful that what could have happened remains just that: a horrifying hypothetical that did not come to pass. But that didn't make it any easier to fall asleep last night.

So if I run into him on the street somewhere, I assume it would be considered bad form to kick him in the teeth (or the nuts), yes? Because that's certainly my first inclination, not only because he is a creepy enough human being to be viewing child porn - correction: POSSESSING child porn - but because he did something that stupid, that horrifying, that... betraying to everyone who knew him. I can't imagine what I would say to him. I mean, what could I possibly say? I've debated whether I would bother to ask, in the vain hope that there's some explanation - after all, sexting with a 17-year old girl, while still inappropriate, is hardly on par with viewing videos of 4-year old boys. But ultimately, I decided I really don't care. Whatever it was, it was enough to convict him under a Federal statute, to label him for life as a sex offender, and to keep him off Facebook, and that's all I really need to know.

That, and the fact that, as I have said MANY times before, you never really know people.